Has God put something on your heart that you think is way too hard to do? Something that you really cannot pull off?
I have often felt like that about going to school. For some reason, God has kept showing me He wants me to get more education, but I never thought that I would be good enough for it. Here something I recently wrote in my journal:
As a child I was always afraid of going to Jr. High. I thought that that would be way too hard for me.
When I was in the last year of Jr. High, I was not excited about going to High School, because I was afraid it would be way too hard for me.
When I was in a University-prep-high-school, I was afraid of going to a University: it would surely be too hard for me.
When was studying for my Masters at Leiden University, I did not think I could do more education… that would really be too hard to do.
After graduation, I became an intern at the student ministries department of Saddleback Church. Interns were able to take some seminary classes, so I thought: why not? Just a class here and there, because an entire education in a foreign country would be too hard for me!
Once I started taking classes, I wanted to get the entire degree, but to get a Master of Divinity (M.Div.), which is one of the harder kind of Masters degree in Theology, would be too hard for me. So I decided on a basic Master of Theology (MTS).
At the end of my internship at Saddleback, my degree was not completed yet. I had moved to Florida to work at a church there. I was bummed out that I wasn’t able to finish it and so I started looking into transferring schools. I picked an online school. When I discovered that only 6 of my 48 credits would transfer for a basic MTS, but all of them if I did an M.Div…. I chose the harder one after all, still scared it would be too hard for me.
When I graduated in May 2009 with my M.Div, I thought I was done with school forever. Anything more would be too hard for me for sure!
However, when my work-visa was about to expire after 5 years, and my only other option was to get a student-visa, I thought long and hard and asked God for advice.
I could get an advanced degree perhaps… but wouldn’t that be too hard?
I decided I would try out for a Doctorate in Intercultural Studies, because a PhD would be WAY TOO HARD FOR ME.
I applied, and got accepted at a school in California. But then the visa-issue came up: the Doctorate would only get me a visa for 2 weeks out of the year, which basically meant I had to go back to Holland. I wanted to do my research at Saddleback Church, so that wouldn’t work.
My only other option would be to apply for a PhD in Intercultural Studies… but that would be way too hard for me….
Right now I’m in the middle of doing pre-program requirements for the PhD…. but I’m still thinking it is all way too hard for me!
What is something you think you really cannot do because it’s too hard? We all have those fears of failing and incompetence! But God would not ask you to do something if He would not also promise to help you do it!
The best way to go about it is to just take one really small step at a time and not worry too much about the future.
I mean, if you would have asked me that I would be applying for a PhD program one day, I would have laughed really hard and say: ABSOLUTELY NEVER! But as you can see from my journey, God guided me in that direction one small step at a time! He has an interesting way of moving us in directions we never thought we could!!
This post is from November of 2010…. The picture below was taken of an email I got in March 2011. Guess what I was immediately thinking when I got the news? Yup… still having trouble thinking I can do this, but I’m learning!